Vulnerability

Having read a blog recently from Missy  (https://submissy.com/2017/01/17/vulerability/) by the same title I thought I should share my musings upon this subject.

As a Zen student and someone who has experience and interests in psychology and anthropology, I believe there are many people in life who are seekers, folks searching for understanding and a greater experience of existence. When we are born we are as pure as we shall ever be. Pure energy, pure love. This may be why we love small children and babies so much. They express themselves so purely. In time we learn we must have our own defences to protect ourselves from threats in this world – real or perceived! Life throws things at us, we are deeply hurt by people – most of all emotionally.  So to reveal our hearts, take off all the layers and masks lays us bare and hence vulnerable. But for me the people we are closest to are surely people we should feel most at ease to open up to. This is why trust is so important in life and why it is one of the pillars of BDSM and frankly all good closely connected relationships.

To show ourselves we must have trust – and this needs to be earned by the recipient of the gift.  I have written similar in my post – Zen and the art of BDSM. I was minded as I read Missy’s post, along with her post about meeting up with some D/s friends whom they had met online,  that we like the online writing because it is anonymous. Hence our vulnerability is less.  The risk of exposing ourselves is far less because we are invisible. Counselling is similar – a stranger who is non judgemental who will never attack us when we are open and exposed. And so we open up. Writing is a catharsis and I have written for self growth for many years. Output is a huge part of a self growth process – as is input – which is why we enjoy reading similar work from the like-minded. It forms a springboard for our own thoughts and ponderances.

In my view the nature of the D/s dynamic engenders trust and vulnerability and this is why it is so beautiful. I suspect it is also the reason that I have always believed that 24/7 D/s is what I seek –  it is the reason I came to it – more even than the bedroom kink. It is a fundamental disagreement I had with an online forum of which I was a member – although I must say I think I learnt much from there and it was great to have support at that time.  For my Pretty Girl and I, we came to this to address issues in our marriage and especially open respectful communication and close connection and intimacy – emotionally.  To me the understanding of the necessity of vulnerability to create emotional opening and thus expression of our deepest nature, deepest desires, deepest thoughts feelings and emotions, perhaps our Buddha nature is very apparent. To have a dynamic where there is trust in the bedroom but issues with respect in the bedroom can only mean that we are opening up in certain domains, only showing certain parts of ourselves. Arguably – you might trust that physically someone will care for you during a scene irrespective of what happens during the day but I just wonder if you can really trust each other to expose our deepest secrets and desires if they may mock us, tease us, use sarcasm. Personally I would find it hard to open up my heart and share deep emotions and maybe even expose sexual desires and fetishes with someone I felt might judge me for them, and who demonstrates disrespectful communication during the day. But perhaps that is just me.

Some years ago before I brought the D/s dynamic to my wife I had understood this and tried to share with her that she must be prepared to be vulnerable if we are to have intimacy. Now I realise I have always been very open, my work and my Zen training have also led me to understand myself and expect and indeed NEED truly deep emotional expression to feel like my relationships are worthwhile and special. I am not prepared to just rub along, to tolerate arguments which hurt us and create cracks in the bond and in so doing limit the potential for our human experiences with our loved ones. What creates the ability to be vulnerable? Trust and respect and effective gentle communication – the three pillars of BDSM and certainly they are the keys to 24/7 D/s dynamic.

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