So two days ago I hit a real low. My Baby Girl and I are working through difficult times and trying to establish our own unique blend of D/s. Naturally I am a leader and a teacher and a guide and mentor – in many domains of my life. From ancient zen wisdom comes the expression “I shall teach you to the best of your ability”. Now I appreciate that has the potential to sound phenomenally arrogant – until we stop and think and realise that when it comes with love and humility it is really beautiful and makes a good teacher. We can easily drown someone by sharing knowledge which above their ability to assimilate – too big a step from their current level of understanding. One would not deliver a PhD lecture to an undergraduate! That would be egotistical and showing off potentially. Or at the very least failing to be a good teacher and understand that your job is to teach by taking them just one step further than where they are, with an occasional well judged leap.
And beware unintended consequences! We must always be one step ahead and see how someone / a student, a sub, anyone we are mentoring / helping to learn and grow, might take things the wrong way or not see the message in what we are trying to share / not see what we were trying to put across. In trying to help my Baby Girl explore what her needs are and discover her own submissive tendencies (as well as my own Dominant tendencies to be fair) we had discussed that I have certain Daddy Dom tendencies and sugar daddy type needs – to care, protect, guide, teach, nurture, be looked up to and so on (see my other posts on my innate Dominance and sugar daddy tendencies). Pretty Girl seemed to feel something resonated in her too. Keen to help her explore this I found some you tube videos on dd/lg I had seen a couple of years back when I was doing a lot of exploration and self understanding,before we had begun our D/s journey together and I was learning about myself and plucking up the courage to bring the idea of D/s to my girl – mainly to save our failing / struggling marriage. Sadly my babygirl went really low and sad and negative and felt inadequate because she did not resonate or relate to the younger (20’s) girls talking about some of the younger aspects of dd/lg she thought I would not be happy / I needed her to want to suck dummies and wear nappies! My goodness – I actually have no desire for that personally. I was more looking at how a sub will often like to feel protected, go to feeling like a teenager or someone who likes to be bratty, gentle and vulnerable and tender which would naturally fit well with my Dominant needs to care and protect. In a paternal way. I felt totally inadequate as a teacher and felt exasperated and confess I went negative and low myself. I simply didn’t know how to help Baby Girl learn when her self esteem is so low that she gets upset so easily. I will not go into other matters as to where we are in our relationship right now but I do realise our circumstances make this a challenge.
Anyway; yesterday I felt lower than I have for a long time. Like giving up on D/s. Like I was too much of a freak to deserve her love – or frankly anyones love. I felt like nobody ever would get me. It is so hard when we know ourselves so well and when we get past feeling dirty, wrong, odd for liking the things we do in D/s. Get past the common misconceptions of Dominance and submission and realise it is not abusive – rather…. beautiful. For then we want to share it and live it. When we feel and know inside and see how it could be and yet others of course have their own vision or may not yet have the same level of understanding or clarity. It is never for the Dom to impose anything upon His submissive – surely we must help the sub discover themselves so they can articulate their precise likes, needs, wants, what makes them feel special, safe, protected, adored, go into a sub space, feel naughty, whatever they like. Like another post I am drafting – this is zen: to know ourselves. Which is of course a never ending journey. After over a decade of focussed zen growth I know myself better but would never ever suggest I have finished learning or understanding. And yet somehow we learn to access our innate being and needs. When we cannot deliver that, cannot care, provide, protect, nurture, mentor and lead someone then our very being feels crushed. Our dominance and masculinity and buddha nature even… is denied. And oh what pain ensues to feel crushed, like we can never live our truth. Which we know inside us – to be a thing of beauty. Of course I realise that D/s is about sharing each others needs and wants and nature and our job is to meet the others needs – to feed the loop between Dom and sub. But it is hard when one seemingly knows their desires more clearly and I can only meet Baby Girl’s submissive needs when she knows them herself and is able to articulate them and express them to me. And vice versa of course. How though to explore, even if you go up many blind alleys on the journey, and help her not become upset> I don’t mind if I explore 100 ideas and find 99 do not resonate or feel right for me, for us. But if 1 idea floats our boat – then the whole journey, with all its blind alleys was all worthwhile. We learn by discovering what we don’t like, just as much as what we do. Strength, self assuredness, belief, tenacity, trust in each other and much more are surely the answer. And so I must try to build my Pretty Girl. That is my job. ]
And by the way – I am lifted again and am at peace with myself. My own self assuredness and zennish understand means I am back to believing I am fine just the way I am – even if nobody ever really understands me. But I think in time my Baby Girl will get there. Strength in love to carry on.